on another note, my aunt [http://colorinformal.blogspot.
i'll be around later, i'm sure...
its your blue and my green
or any other two colors you want to use
he asks me questions
she doesn’t know the answers
he’s got four fingers on one hand..
does that count him out?
one word? you’ve got to be kidding.
how about a book, an encyclopedia..
a never-ending nonsensical sentence
and thats just the beginning
wait for it
watches and rings
is it jewelry or God calling?
i asked you a question once,
how well are you connected to yourself?
well enough to answer truthfully?
just to you, not me, no need for lies
“oh, it was the kitten” she mused as the pavement screeched by the drivers side window; the weight of the vehicle causing it to shatter, and for a moment.. just a moment, time stopped, and she saw God through the cloud of broken glass.
…what the fuck was that?
somebody, quick, shut her up
she’s going to give away your secrets
what if the red apple is green?
what then?
if i were to ask you a simple question,
could you give me the correct answer?
probably not. you’d take it and bastardize it
give me all the wrong answers
in an attempt to sound profound when in truth..
its rambling nothing
because you don’t know
or perhaps i could give you the answer..
and ask for the question.
she told me once that i was crazy
i laughed at her and said “but of course”
what do you do with that?
you smile
its not a matter of if, its when.
oh, love.
i can promise you nothing and give you everything
i dream in vivid colors and wake up
smells still lingering from something i can’t place
talk me to sleep with visions of murder
romance me with the promise of screams
did you tell me something i forgot to remember?
set the world ablaze, you deserve it
run away if you wish (i can tell you now, all paths lead back to yourself)
kiss the lady in the mirror, and shake the gentleman’s hand
through the looking glass, she ran
caterpillar, caterpillar, tell me who you are
the tree’s got a face
my noose is swaying in the wind, beckoning
i cannot heed its call
stick out your pinky (that makes it permanent)
promise.promise.promise
thats three times, now.
who puts spoons on the wall?
green thumbtacks and pink paper, the words are melting
the wall starts to smear around you
the madness closes in, there’s crayons in your pocket
draw your way out of it this time,
use the purple crayon, for god’s sake, it saved harold.
blankets and mysteries unsolved, a box full of blunt objects
(thats not really how it goes)
guitars and armoires
take my hand, quick, don’t look down
if you look up you can see the keywork
(thats what he said)
left is right and right is wrong
water bottles and fur lined jackets make her smile
doodle dan strikes again
jefferson aero plane is in my ear, whats in yours?
actually that was earlier,
now i’m infected by everything evil
the statue of liberty is rotting away,
the sunbeams shine red like murderblood
bloodymurder
post it notes and root beer floats
now ask yourself
is this a proper way to die?
if the answer is yes, its not yet your time to go,
if you answer with a no, promise me you won’t let go
(remember the pinky part)
snap, snap, snap
catch the beat, hook line and sinker
so you mean to tell me…..?
i’ll have a coke.
7 things you probably don’t know about me.
1. I have a very, very addictive personality. I obsess about things, sometimes that obsession toys with the edges of my sanity, but its part of who I am. Books, cigarettes, music, movies, colors, ANYTHING. The obsession happens fast, without warning, I go from hardly being interested in something, to all of a sudden its all I can think about, it invades my thoughts no matter what I’m doing, where I am. The thing with the obsessions that is both blessing and curse, is that once I’m addicted, once I’ve obsessed, its permanent, there is no coming back from it. A lot of people would think thats a bad thing, maybe try to find professional help, but me.. I’m not most people. I revel in it.
2. I’m scared shitless. Of everything. My own shadow scares me, yet at the same time I’m not scared of anything. Its confusing sometimes. When I say I’m scared of everything, I mean it. I’m scared of stupid stuff, like.. the dark (but only inside.. not outside) and monsters under my bed (not kidding…), but then I’m also terrified of other, more “real” things, like never being in love like I was once, or perhaps never figuring out what I’m supposed to do with my life. But then, as I said, on the flip side, none of that bothers me. The fears that I have take up the tiniest most microscopic part of my thoughts, and the rest of me is screaming for fearlessness and adventure. I don’t care what lurks in the shadows, and so what if I never feel love like before? At least I had the chance at one point. Not knowing what I’m supposed to do with my life.. well.. life’s journey, an adventure, and if I can’t figure out what I’m doing along the way somewhere, maybe all I was supposed to do was live life to the fullest, enjoy the time I have with the people I love, and tell stories about it to those who listen…
3. I’m finally getting to a point in my life and mind where I am not only okay with who I am, I love me. I know how conceited that sounds, and take it that way if you will, but I’m not talking about the vain kind of loving myself. I’m talking about being past the self-loathing, getting over wanting to break the mirror and cut off my face with the pieces. I don’t hate who I am anymore, I don’t wish I was anyone else anymore, and that epiphany in and of itself is enough to bring tears to my eyes. I’ve gotten to a level of happiness with myself that I haven’t felt since I was a small child. I found my inner fire again (as I typed that, my brain immediately went to WoW…..lol)
4. My best friend.. is invisible.. to everyone but me. His name is Jack, and he’s been by my side through hell and high water since I was about 5 or 6. I’m not going to elaborate, I already sound like I should live in a padded room hugging myself all day..
5. Now, that being said, I am incredibly lonely, despite Jack always being with me. It isn’t an unhappiness with being physically alone, people don’t cut it. I feel like a piece of my soul is missing, and I’m 99% sure where that piece is.. however, I think its a bit too late to get it back. This goes back to wondering if I’ll ever find love like that again. I don’t know.. but what I do know is that I’m happy I got to experience it when I did, and though I wish I could change things.. I know I cant, so I’m grateful to the truce I’ve achieved with my soul. We’re okay, we just wish the other piece would come back.
6. Music is life. I can’t live without it. I can’t focus if I’m trying to write or read, I can’t focus on conversations, I can’t think clearly without it. I play guitar, and granted, I’m nothing special, I do play, and I write a lot of my own music. I feign stupidity when someone hands me a guitar, its too intimate of a thing for me to lay out my soul for critique in the form of lyrics and the strumming of guitar strings.
7. I’m incredibly shy, and extremely over sensitive. I’ve surrounded myself with walls, trying to harden my exterior so the emotions don’t show, and I do a damned good job most of the time. I’m one of the silliest, most outgoing, sarcastic people I know, and I’m that way because when someone gets too close, they have the power to break me like no other. I don’t know how to take that power away, or believe me, I would. I am way too trusting for my own good and my biggest flaw is that I care too much, although I think its sick that people consider that a flaw.. but that goes back to my obsessiveness. When I honestly, truly care about someone, they become an obsession.. their happiness, well-being, psyche, everything.. it becomes an obsession to me to make sure they’re happy, and that always comes back to bite me in the ass, because I let them get too close, and when they get tired of me, as always happens, they leave and I’m left in the dust, broken, arms wrapped around myself to prevent the pain from spreading. So, don’t take me for granted. It hurts.
Now i'm tagging Gina. DO IT.
this is me, pouring out my soul. if you don’t want the truth, don’t continue reading, because i will not be responsible for how you interpret what i’m saying…..
this isn’t going to make any sense to any of you that don’t pay attention, and only those who can read between my lines will get the true idea of what i’m trying to say.
my world is a never constant, ever shifting, strange and wonderful place. there are few that i choose to call my true friends, and just because you think you’re my friend doesn’t mean you are. lately, i haven’t been able to sleep at night, i’ve been kept awake by thoughts running through my head, conversations i’ve had that i wish i’d said exactly what i meant instead of candy-coating it so that it was easier for you to swallow. there are so many voices that float through my head on a second by second basis that its hard to keep up. i have my mom and sister talking to me, as well as my best friend, my dad, every person i’ve ever dated, up to and including my current…relationship. things that all of you have said to me, things that your voice never uttered but your eyes plainly screamed.. i see more than you think i do, yet the most obvious things sometimes pass me by. i’ve noticed that not many people listen to what i say… everyone that i talks to hears me, they nod and smile, but they aren’t listening. they don’t hear the sorrow in my voice, or notice that every smile is tinged with tears yet unshed. i am at a point in my life, in this very moment that i am writing, sitting in a state of pristine clarity. i finally know what i want out of life, i finally figured things out tonight. i know what i have to do. sadly, for some, that means me walking out of your lives because you are not good for me, you don’t mean what you say when you say you’re my friend. you bring me down, and make me feel like i’m not worth anything when in fact i’m worth more than anyone will ever know. i am priceless, maybe only to myself, but that is all that matters. all these years i have been searching for love.. and i finally have found it within myself.
some people, if they ever actually take the time to read this, will be completely offended, thinking i am talking about them. most of them will be right. there are, however two people in my life that are completely exempt from everything i am saying.. he is my best friend, my brother, my confidante… and she is the only girl i have ever trusted, she doesn’t judge me, doesn’t hold my past against me, and truly wants to see me happy, no matter the cost.
just because you tell me that you love me doesn’t mean its true. love doesn’t get up and leave, love doesn’t abandon, love doesn’t leave you behind to wait and pine away. i can’t sit at home and wish i had something i know i’ll never have with you. our lives are going in two completely different directions, and i can’t compromise what i need to do in order to be happy simply because you are so self absorbed you can’t see what you are doing to me. i can’t be with you by myself anymore, and you wouldn’t follow me and help me achieve my dreams, so why should i sacrifice my life for you? you want to be everywhere but where i want to be.. explain to me how thats supposed to work…..
what i’m trying to say, what i’ve come to realize.. is that i have to give up who i am in order to become who i want to be. i dont want to be who i was 5 minutes ago, a week ago, 3 years ago… i want to be the real, true, raw, ME… and i can’t do that with people around me who have very… jaded and wrong ideas of who i am. yes, i have done things i’m not proud of, but who hasn’t. i’ve fucked up. i’ve been places that i never want to be again, both physically and mentally. but thats all over, i’m starting new. not for new years. fuck new years. i’m starting over, brand new, starting now. i am shedding the old me and embracing the future with open arms, and few of you are coming with me. i’m sorry for any hurt feelings that may arise after this, but i need my life back..
its over, i’m breaking up with everything and everyone who isn’t here now to be here with me when i need them the most. goodbye.
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purplealligator- megan oliver
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